I think I’ve lost him.

I never thought of this before, but it happened.

I always needed time on my own

I never thought I need you there when I cry…

I keep playing this song even in my sleep – what I usually do when something unhappy happened.

We met in January when he came here to visit my friend. I gave him a stuffed bear which I crocheted myself because my friend called him Bear. He is a tall, chubby Korean guy with baby skin which made me jealous a lot. We have been friends on FB for a long time but we didn’t chat. That night when he got back to Korea, he sent me a photo of the bear sitting on his desk together with a bunny:

– Thank you for giving me a toy!

– You’re welcome. Pls take care of my son. He’s your son now πŸ˜‰

And that was how we started.

We met in person for just several hours so my first impression about him was a cute, shy boy. He is 1 year younger than me. The more I talked to him, the more I realized that he is a romantic, sweet, humorous, ambitious guy who has a good heart; however his young age made him childish and impulsive sometimes. Our conversations enabled us to have a clearer image of each other’s characters and interests. They are not always match. He love classical music and opera which are like lullabies to me. He eats spicy foods, I don’t. But he loves cooking, he loves children. And I like it.

Then we planned to meet this summer in a trip to an island in my country. We rented a beach house. Quite romantic, I know. He has a plan with my friend too, to an island outside of the country. I didn’t feel anything weird of this arrangement even though it’s really weird. I didn’t expect it to be a romantic trip for us. Actually I don’t know what I thought. Just go and enjoy life. My sister and her bf also joined us. We planned it many months ahead and we were very excited when it came closer to the date.

The trip went really well. The island welcomed us with a rain, but later on in the evening, it treated us with a double rainbow. We watched that beautiful scene on the beach, listened to the waves and smelled the sea though the winds. At night, the four of us had relaxing time with local beers and snacks he brought from Korea. Outside of the glass door, sea kept playing its harmony with winds, the small garden covered with green grass looked peaceful under the yellow lights. Ice was broken. My sister couple and him was no more stranger. And it was a wonderful start….!

The next 2 days was very happy days; I can never stop laughing. He carried me on my scouter which he hasn’t done for 5 years. He enjoyed it. Laugh was left everywhere we passed. We went to a beautiful beach, there were rain again but was no big deal to us. I still remember the way he hold me when the strong waves tried to push me down. Time seem freezing when we sat together on the sand, looked far to the endless ocean and talked about life and future. We kissed on the last day. He said he liked me. But he can’t be sure of the future. He would go back to Korea. I said I like him too…

Then I went back to my life, he went on the trip with my friend. That was when I feel there is something not right. He tried to give me a smile the day he left. He gave me a card, and a letter, telling me not to be sad for too long when he’s gone and that he was very happy these days. I almost cried.

He didn’t send me any message since then. I tried not to think bad but it was so hard. They spend 5 days together, just 2 of them, on an island, nearby the sea. …!

Finally a message arrived. He said there were no wifi on the island. I felt something has changed. Later on he apologized. My friend is now his girlfriend and he said he is serious with her. I didn’t ask for more explanation because it would be meaningless. I wasn’t surprised. I told myself that it’s just life. Things happened. I’m glad I enjoyed it to the fullest and to a limit that I can still respect myself. There’s nothing to regret.

Life goes on.

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— K–

 

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